This past Sunday, Southern Baptist Convention churches all across America began the annual Week of Prayer for International Missions, which includes the launching of the annual Lottie Moon Christmas Offering for International Missions. As a Baptist pastor, I endeavored to explain the origin of each of these matters in my message. In so doing, I shared a piece titled “You Might Be A Southern Baptist If…” I thought I would post this humorous item this week. Many versions have circulated on the internet. This particular edition is found at: http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/relijokes/southbapt.shtml. I hope you enjoy it.
YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF…
- You actually think John the Baptist started the Southern Baptist Convention.
- You think God's presence is always strongest on the back three pews.
- You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.
- You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
- You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.
- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke Elizabethan English.
- You think worship music has to be loud.
- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
- You judge the quality of a service by its length.
- You have ever awoken in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpreted that feeling as a call to preach.
- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.
- You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.
- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy; but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School (because you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery).
- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus.
- You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666."
- You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church.
- You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for.
Variations on this list can be found at: http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=999 and also at
http://whythesnowbelt.blogspot.com/2007/05/you-might-be-southern-baptist-if.html.
Note: This last list contains 68 entries, and may hit a little too close to home at times for any genuine Southern Baptist who is proud of his or her heritage. Just remember, though, the ability to laugh at oneself may just be the single greatest key to humility.
YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF…
- You actually think John the Baptist started the Southern Baptist Convention.
- You think God's presence is always strongest on the back three pews.
- You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.
- You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
- You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.
- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke Elizabethan English.
- You think worship music has to be loud.
- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
- You judge the quality of a service by its length.
- You have ever awoken in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpreted that feeling as a call to preach.
- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.
- You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.
- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy; but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School (because you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery).
- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus.
- You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666."
- You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church.
- You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for.
Variations on this list can be found at: http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=999 and also at
http://whythesnowbelt.blogspot.com/2007/05/you-might-be-southern-baptist-if.html.
Note: This last list contains 68 entries, and may hit a little too close to home at times for any genuine Southern Baptist who is proud of his or her heritage. Just remember, though, the ability to laugh at oneself may just be the single greatest key to humility.