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YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF...

11/29/2010

This past Sunday, Southern Baptist Convention churches all across America began the annual Week of Prayer for International Missions, which includes the launching of the annual Lottie Moon Christmas Offering for International Missions. As a Baptist pastor, I endeavored to explain the origin of each of these matters in my message. In so doing, I shared a piece titled “You Might Be A Southern Baptist If…” I thought I would post this humorous item this week. Many versions have circulated on the internet. This particular edition is found at: http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/relijokes/southbapt.shtml. I hope you enjoy it.

YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF…

- You actually think John the Baptist started the Southern Baptist Convention.

- You think God's presence is always strongest on the back three pews.

- You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.

- You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.

- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.

- You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.

- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke Elizabethan English.

- You think worship music has to be loud.

- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

- You judge the quality of a service by its length.

- You have ever awoken in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpreted that feeling as a call to preach.

- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.

- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.

- You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.

- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.

- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.

- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy; but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School (because you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery).

- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus.

- You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666."

- You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church.

- You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for.

Variations on this list can be found at: http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=999 and also at
http://whythesnowbelt.blogspot.com/2007/05/you-might-be-southern-baptist-if.html.

Note: This last list contains 68 entries, and may hit a little too close to home at times for any genuine Southern Baptist who is proud of his or her heritage. Just remember, though, the ability to laugh at oneself may just be the single greatest key to humility.

I AM THANKFUL FOR...

11/23/2010

As this is Thanksgiving week, I thought I would offer an extra post. I am unsure of the actual origin of this piece. Many versions can be found on the web. My copy came from a church member via e-mail. I hope you find it inspirational.

In the spirit of the Thanksgiving season, here are a few suggestions of things to be thankful for that you may not
have considered.

I am thankful for. . .

The taxes I pay because
it means I'm employed . . .

The clothes that fit a little too snug because
it means I have more than enough to eat . . .

My shadow who watches me work because
it means I am out in the sunshine . . .

A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need
cleaning, and gutters that need fixing
because it means I have a home . . .

The spot I find at the far end of the parking lot
because it means I am capable of walking . . .

My huge heating bill because
it means I am warm . . .

All the complaining I hear about our government
because it means we have freedom of speech . . .

The lady behind me in church who sings off key
because it means that I can hear . . .

The piles of laundry and ironing
because it means my loved ones are nearby . . .

The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours
because it means that I'm alive . . .

Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day
because it means I have been productive . . .

This Thanksgiving, I hope you pause to give God
thanks for all of this and more.

Happy Thanksgiving!

AN OLD FARMER'S ADVICE

11/21/2010

This past Sunday, I talked about growing up on a farm, and all the experiences of getting up hay, and of picking, shucking, and shelling many an ear of corn. I was reminded in the process of something I read here while back in The Tennessee Legionnaire (originally submitted by Randall Smith, Post 26 Humboldt, TN) in the August, 2009 issue. It is titled simply: An Old Farmer’s Advice. I hope you enjoy it.

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
• Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered - not yelled.
• Meanness don't just happen overnight.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Don't corner something that you know is meaner than you.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• You can’t unsay a cruel word.
• Every path has a few puddles.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't ever gonna happen anyway.
• Don't judge folks by their relatives.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the success of a rain dance.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
• Sometimes you get; and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Good judgment comes from experience; and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
• If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
• Live simply, love generously, care deeply, and speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
• Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he may just kill you.

Just a few things to think about from somebody who grew up on a farm!

I DARE YOU!

11/16/2010

Have you been to a bookstore lately? The selection of available reading material is dizzying. By some estimations, there are a staggering 190,000 new books published every year in the United States of America alone! The number is 130,000 in the United Kingdom, and untold numbers more are annually translated from the non English-speaking world. In addition, more than 18,000 magazines are published domestically in the U.S., with upwards of 225 billion pages of annual editorial content. Add to that the c. 400,000 scholarly journals published each year, and the sheer volume of newly published reading material annually is now at an astronomical figure!

Moreover, these figures do not take into account the huge amount of other titles - such as memoirs, local history books, course books, or other such books that do not require an ISBN number, and thus are not listed in standard printed book databases.

Furthermore, due to the advent of digital printing, many authors are now self- publishing (and marketing) their own books – apparently with increasing success. (Indeed, such authors can now get as many copies of their books as desired printed “on demand”.) Others choose not to print their books at all, but to offer them as downloads for such electronic reading devices as Kindle. All of this is to say that the actual number of books currently available for reading is simply overwhelming.

With this many books out there to choose from, it becomes increasingly difficult to differentiate between what is genuinely worthwhile reading material and what is essentially junk. For that reason, I find myself progressively drawn to the classics for my own reading selections – or at least to those books which have demonstrated their worth by their ability to withstand the test of time (measured in part by the number of reprints through which they have gone).

In light of all this, I will from time to time recommend what I consider to be a worthwhile book to read. This week, I would like to do just that. One author of the past to whom I have been drawn is William H. Danforth (1870 – 1956), who founded the Ralston Purina Company in St. Louis, Missouri. He was also co-founder of the American Youth Foundation (http://www.ayf.com/). In 1938, he authored a classic little motivational book titled simply I Dare You! (ISBN# 0-7661-2786-9), in which he delineated the famed four-fold way. (Ralston Purina's renowned corporate checkerboard logo actually evolved from the personal development concepts Danforth put forth in this book.)

In his book, he proposed that there are four key components of life, as identified in Jesus’ own life in Luke 2:52: the physical, the mental, the social, and the spiritual. He stressed that all of these components need to be kept in balance. Using a checkerboard to illustrate the concept, he placed "Physical" on the left, "Mental" on the top, "Social" on the right, and "Religious" on the bottom (as the foundation of the other three). To be healthy, one needs the four squares of one’s life to stay in balance, and not to let any one area overly develop at expense of the others. To anyone looking for a wonderfully challenging and motivational book, I wholeheartedly recommend this inspirational little work.

(I Dare You can be found at http://www.amazon.com/Dare-You-Perennial-Motivational-Classics/dp/1933715820/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1289947235&sr=1-1.) I leave you with a few quotes from I Dare You!:

I want you to start a crusade in you life - to dare to be your best.

You have a four-fold life to live: a body, a brain, a heart and a soul… these are your living tools. To use and develop them is not a task… it is a golden opportunity.

I dare you, boys and girls, to make life obey you, not you it. It is only a shallow dare to do the foolish things. I dare you to do the uplifting, courageous things.

I dare you to think bigger, to act bigger, and to be bigger. I dare you to think creatively. I dare you to lead and inspire others. I dare you to build character. I dare you to share. And I promise you a richer and more exciting life if you do!

I am on a voyage of discovery. I search for those of you who will go on a great adventure… if you are one of those audacious few willing to dare and then to share… then come with me.

I dare you, who think life is humdrum, to become involved. I dare you who are weak to become strong; you who are dull to be sparkling; you who are slaves to be kings.

I dare you, whoever you are, to share with others the fruits of your daring. Catch a passion for helping other, and a richer life will come back to you.

Some folks are continually making changes. I flatter myself that I like new ventures and new experiences. But when it comes to fundamentals I believe in finding the right foundations and building on them.

Our most valuable possessions are those which can be shared without lessening: those which, when shared, multiply. Our least valuable possessions are those which, when divided, are diminished.

The line of least resistance makes crooked rivers and crooked men.

Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the conquest of it.

I have found opportunities do not come to those who wait. They are captured by those who attack.

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

A millionaire in money is nothing compared to being a millionaire in friends, and everyone can be this, provided you keep these friends when you make them.

Treat everybody alike, no matter from what station in life he comes. Be your own self with all people whether they be prince or pauper.

I have observed that setting a goal makes no appeal to the mediocre. But to those fired with an ambition really to achieve greatly, setting a goal becomes a program that stirs the inner soul to action.

A Lesson for Veteran's Day

11/8/2010

Thursday, November 11th is, of course, Veteran’s Day. In light of this, I thought I would post a story originally shared with me by my sister. I checked out the authenticity of the story and found it to be true. It was apparently first shared by former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee at a political gathering in Washington D.C. in March of 2007.

Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies schoolteacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock, did something not to be forgotten.

On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal, and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks out of her classroom. When the first period kids entered the room, they discovered that there were no desks. 'Ms. Cothren, where are our desks?' She replied, 'You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn the right to sit at a desk.'

They thought, 'Well, maybe it's our grades.' 'No,' she said. 'Maybe it's our behavior.' She told them, 'No, it's not even your behavior.' And so, they came and went: first period, second period, third period - and still no desks in the classroom. By early afternoon, television news crews had started gathering in Ms. Cothren's classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.

The final period of the day came, and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the deskless classroom, Martha Cothren said, 'Throughout the day, no one has been able to tell me just what he or she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you.'

At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it. Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Veterans, all in uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall. By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place, those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.

Martha said, 'You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it is up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. Don't ever forget it.'

Thank God for our Veterans. May we always be mindful of just what all they have made possible for us. Thank God as well for people like Ms. Cothren. May we all learn from her example, and find creative ways to honor our veterans, especially during this week.

The Time of Our Lives

11/4/2010

Do you remember Y2K (or the year 2000)? Most of us were worried sick over our computers crashing; and a few people feared that the world would end outright. Alas, it appears that both our computers and we have survived. As a result of the new millennium, though, we do live in fairly unique times. For instance, since the year 2000, we have all experienced such distinctive calendar dates as 01/01/01, 02/02/02, 03/03/03, etc… And this will all continue until 12/12/12. Obviously, since there is no 13th month, this will be the end of that streak.

This year, as you will remember, we experienced 10/10/10. The matter becomes even more impressive when you consider that we all actually lived through “ten seconds past ten minutes past ten o’clock on the tenth day of the tenth month of the tenth year of the third millennium”, or “10:10:10:10:10:10”! Pretty neat, huh? In fact, it was only surpassed by what happened one thousand years earlier, when the mark was actually “10:10:10:10:10:1010”!

Of course, all of this is occurring because of the start of a new millennium - a millennium being a thousand-year cycle, such as a century is a hundred-year cycle, and as a decade is a ten-year cycle, etc… Thus, the year 2000 represents the end of the second millennium, or the end of the twentieth century. But that simply begs the question: the end of the second millennium or the end of twenty centuries since what? In western culture, that defining moment in time has traditionally been seen as the birth of Jesus Christ. Therefore, as most of us were taught in grade school, "B.C." stands for “Before Christ”, and "A.D." stands not for “After Death” (as many presume), but for “Anno Domini”, Latin for “in the year of our Lord”.

I am often asked why dates are sometime presented differently these days in books or on documentaries. In scholarly circles, one will often see the designations “B.C.E." and "C.E.” as opposed to “B.C." and "A.D.” Why is this? Because a lot of archaeology has been carried out in Israel, under the auspices of the Israeli Antiquities Authority and by Israeli, or at least by Jewish, Archaeologists. The designation “B.C.E.” thus stands for “Before the Common Era” and “C.E.” stands for “In the Common Era”. Such dating methods are said to be less offensive to people of Jewish faith. (Not much is said about whether people of Christian faith are offended, however, by the cessation of the designation “A.D.”)

Another dating method which is fast becoming even more common among secular scholars is that of “B.P.” This stands for “Before the Present” (or "Radiocarbon Years Before 1950", to be exact). In this method, no reference to one’s faith is taken into consideration at all. Therefore, conservative Christian scholars would say that King David of the Bible lived sometime around 1000 "B.C."; liberal scholars would say that, if he lived at all, David lived around 1000 "B.C.E."; and secular scholars would say a man named King David was supposed to have lived around 3000 "B.P." though he probably never actually existed at all. (At least for now, that is. One supposes that 50 years from now, David would have lived around 3050 B.P., 100 years from now, he would have lived around 3100 B.P., etc…) Textbooks would, of course, need to be updated yearly. Needless to say, all of this could get a little confusing after a few centuries!

For now, though, I hope all of this makes things a bit less confusing, and perhaps helpful, especially for those of you who desire to deepen your faith by studying the events of the Bible in their historical context. As you do read and study such things, remember that how a scholar chooses to frame his dating methods may tell you a lot about what his theological presuppositions and/or his religious convictions are.

Besides, with every passing year since 2000, not only King David, but each of us as well, continues to get a little older.
If, in that process, any of us ever do get to be “as old as Methuselah”, we might find ourselves dealing with all of this again one day - say, around Y3K or so!

Across the Street

11/1/2010

I never cease to be amazed how God speaks to people whenever His word is being proclaimed. This past Sunday, I addressed Jonah’s apparent indifference over the spiritual destiny of the people who lived in Nineveh. (Indeed, more than indifferent, he actually became angry that God chose to spare them rather than to judge them.)

In any event, as I was speaking about how God’s people so often become self-absorbed and thereby inattentive to the needs of those around them in the world, God laid the words to a song on the mind of one of our church’s secretaries. That which she shared with me, I share with you this week.

A few years back, Timothy Mark (http://www.timothymark.com/) wrote a song titled The Church Across the Street (Copyright 1998, Global Outreach Music/BMI). It has been recorded several times, as well as being made into more than one video. The lyrics are very convicting to those of us today, who, like Jonah of old, are called to reach out to those around us with the life-giving power of God’s word.

She put the phone back in its cradle,
and she leaned against the wall,
Devastating silence from a long awaited call.
“Congratulations” had confirmed her deepest fear,
As she gave herself the label Unwed Mother, 18 years.

And at the church across the street the band played on,
And the choir sang another verse of another lovely song.
But her world was crashing in apartment thirty-three.
And she wondered if she would ever meet
Someone from the church across the street.

She left her apartment at a quarter after eight,
Drove the mile to the clinic and walked inside the iron gate.
She was greeted warmly with reassurance in his voice,
A simple safe procedure,
but had she made the proper choice.

And at the church across the street the band played on,
And the choir sang another verse of another lovely song.
And she wondered if she would ever meet
Someone from the church across the street.

Aching recollections she tries to forget,
But the room where she had lived alone
she shares with her regret.
She sits by her window and longs for something more,
As she listens to a baby cry in apartment thirty-four.

And at the church across the street the band played on,
And the choir sang another verse of another lovely song.
But her world was crashing in apartment thirty-three.
And she wondered if she would ever meet
Someone from the church across the street.

And she wondered if she would ever meet
Someone who could help her with her need.
Maybe someone from the church across the street.