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BE IT RESOLVED

12/29/2013

One of the most gifted individuals in the history of the Christian church was Jonathan Edwards, who lived from 1703 to 1758. Scholars have long studied and debated the impact of this Puritan Divine – from his powerful oratory skills (as exhibited in his world famous sermon, Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God) to his role in the First Great Awakening to his regrettably brief tenure as President of Princeton University, which was cut short by his untimely death due to a small pox inoculation.

Though he died at the relatively young age of 54, we can be thankful for the extensive written works left behind by this gifted intellectual and brilliant philosopher/theologian. This is especially true of his diaries, as they are a unique window into his soul.

Early in his life, at age 19 in the year 1722, he first drew up a short list of what we might today call "New Year’s Resolutions". These were added to at various times all throughout his lifetime, eventually totaling seventy resolutions in all.

I post an excerpt of these seventy resolutions here at the onset of a brand new year. I do this for two reasons.  The first is to give both of us (you, the reader, and me, the writer) a glimpse into Edwards’ heart. The second reason is to inspire us, and perhaps also to motivate us to follow his example.

One can only imagine what sort of Christians we might be if we did. More to the point, one can only imagine the sort of impact we ourselves might have on the world around us, as indeed Edwards did in his world.  As you read through them, therefore, seriously consider the outcome, the consequence, and the impact of a life lived out in compliance with just such a list of resolutions.

(Note: Spelling, grammar, and other aspects of the English language all change over time. The resolutions below are presented just as Edwards himself penned them.)

Being sensible that I am unable to do any thing without God’s help, I do humbly intreat Him by His grace to enable me to keep these resolutions, so far as they are agreeable to His will, for Christ’s sake.

Resolved, That I will do whatsoever I think to be most to God’s glory, and my own good, profit and pleasure, in the whole of my duration.

Resolved to do whatever I think to be my duty, and most for the good and advantage of mankind in general.

Resolved to do this, whatever difficulties I meet with, how many and how great soever.

Resolved, Never to lose one moment of time, but improve it the most profitable way I possibly can.

Resolved, Never to do any thing, which I should be afraid to do, if it were the last hour of my life.

Resolved, To be endeavoring to find out fit objects of charity and liberality.

Resolved, To maintain the strictest temperance in eating and drinking.

Resolved, Never to do any thing, which if I should see in another, I should count a just occasion to despise him for, or to think any way the more meanly of him.

Resolved, To study the Scriptures so steadily, constantly and frequently, as that I may find, and plainly perceive myself to grow in the knowledge of the same.

Resolved, To strive to my utmost every week to be brought higher in religion, and to a higher excercise of grace, than I was the week before.

Resolved, To ask myself at the end of every day, week, month and year, wherein I could possibly in any respect have done better.

Resolved, Frequently to renew the dedication of myself to God, which was made at my baptism, which I solemnly renewed, when I was received into the communion of the church; and which I have solemnly re-made this twelfth day of January, 1722–3.

Resolved, Never hence-forward, till I die, to act as if I were any way my own, but entirely and altogether God’s.

Resolved, I will act so as I think I shall judge would have been best, and most prudent, when I come into the future world.

Resolved, Never to give over, nor in the least to slacken my fight with my corruptions, however unsuccessful I may be.

Resolved, After afflictions, to inquire, what I am the better for them, what good I have got by them, and what I might have got by them.*

*SOURCE: Jonathan Edwards, as quoted in “Jonathan Edwards” Christian History Magazine (Issue 8, 1985) and posted at: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ch/1985/issue8/802.html.

READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!

12/26/2013

In my previous post, I talked about the matter of having to work on Christmas, and also the fact that Christ Himself began His own work here in our midst on that very first Christmas. Today, I
thought I would share one other way of looking at what God was doing that first Christmas.

Being a lover of history, and having a day off when the temperature outside is only 33 degrees, it is not surprising that I would sit down earlier today around midmorning and turn on the television to peruse the three of four channels that specialize in historical documentaries and/or series.  One of those networks was airing a series on the Revolutionary War.

While watching the series, I was reminded of the significance of the last twenty four hours in American history. It was on the night of December 25-26, 1776 that General George Washington led his troops in the now famous crossing of the Delaware River. Early in the morning, he marched downstream and completely surprised the opposition at Trenton, New Jersey, winning a decisive victory and forever changing the direction of the whole war in the process.

At the risk of a gross oversimplification, here is what happened. Things had started out well enough for the Americans.  After the Boston Massacre (1770) and Tea Party (1773), spirits were fairly high as the Continental Army garnered victories at Lexington and Concord in 1775, resulting in the forced evacuation of British troops from Boston early in 1776. However, things quickly went downhill in August of 1776 as the British landed on Long Island and then pushed the Continental Army completely out of New York.

Throughout November and December of 1776, the British Army under Lord Cornwallis kept pursuing Washington’s army, all the way across New Jersey. Thus it was that, using the Delaware River as a defensive bulwark, Washington crossed his troops to the west side and set up camp in Pennsylvania. Cornwallis chose not to pursue them and ordered his own men to set up camp for the winter on the New Jersey side.

Washington used this fact to his advantage, and quietly slipped his men back across to the east side of the Delaware River during the night of December 25-26, 1776. He then marched downstream to Trenton where he caught the Hessian (German) mercenaries employed by the British troops completely off guard. With fresh provisions and high spirits, he and his men then began an offensive that would eventually push the British Army back all the way across New Jersey.

After several major victories, including Princeton, New Jersey in January, 1777, and Saratoga, New York in October, 1777, the tide of war finally changed. France recognized the independence of the United States in February, 1778; and, for all intents and purposes, the war was essentially over within a couple of years.

For my part, back when I was in school, my wife and I lived a short distance away from the battlefield at Princeton, New Jersey. On multiple occasions, we visited this and several other Revolutionary War battlefields. We also visited the site of Washington’s crossing of the Delaware River.  If you go there today, there are two state parks, one each for Pennsylvania and for New Jersey respectively, meeting at the river.

There you can immerse yourself in the history behind the event celebrated in David Shulman’s now famous anagrammatic 1936 sonnet, and more significantly, immortalized forever in Emanuel Leutze’s 1951 painting, Washington Crossing the Delaware, the original of which hangs at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. (And yes, this is the same image which was chosen for the back of the 1999 New Jersey State U.S. quarter dollar coin.)

I can only imagine how happy most of the citizens of Trenton must have been when General Washington and his ragtag Continental Army suddenly, miraculously, and triumphantly appeared.  And the same must have also been true for most of the residents of Princeton, and of Kingston, and of Morristown, etc… As victory after victory unfolded and as town after town was liberated and as person after person was finally and forever set free, the joy must have been immense!

I say most of the residents because not everyone wanted their freedom.   For whatever reasons, we know that a select few inexplicably preferred bondage to freedom. For my own part, though, I simply cannot imagine why anyone would have not have been thankful for all that General Washington and his forces made possible for them at that historic place and time. And as U.S. citizens even today, I can only hope we understand how much we still owe this man and that army. The truth is:  we will forever be indebted to them for forging our freedom even as they founded our country.

Of course, the fact that Washington’s crossing and subsequent surprise attack on the enemy occurred on Christmas, of all days, is not lost on me as a preacher.  It was a few years after I first stood on that obscure spot where Washington went on the offensive that I was privileged to stand on another very famous spot where another very famous offensive unfolded.

Half a world away, in an obscure little town called Bethlehem, after thousands of years of seeing His people routed by the Devil and his minions, God Himself surprised the world by slipping quietly across the bounds of eternity and taking the battle to the enemy. And just as General Washington was at the forefront leading his troops, so the Son of God took the lead in piercing the darkness and putting the evil one on the run.

No, this fact is not lost on me. Nor should this fact be lost on you.  For, like me, you are one of those for whom Christ came.  It was for us, both you and me, that He crossed that great divide and began heading for the great climactic battle that was designed, once and for all, to liberate us and to set us free from the tyranny of the evil one.  For, you see, just as Trenton led to Saratoga, even so, Bethlehem led to Calvary!

I hope you have grasped this. I hope you have internalized this. I hope you have embraced the Christ of Christmas, that you have allowed Him to liberate your heart from the bondage of sin, and that you now have full spiritual freedom in and through Him. After all, that is the very reason for which He came!

GET TO WORK!

12/22/2013

Early this past Sunday morning, while rehearsing for our upcoming annual Christmas Eve Candlelight Communion service at church, one of our Deacons shared with me that he would be just a little late in arriving on Christmas Eve.

It seems that this year, for the first time, his employer has decided not to shut down early on that day. I felt for him; but I also understood that, as a believer, he is trying to practice a Scriptural admonition by being subject to this employer.

But that raises a question. Are you, or is anyone you know, having to work all of Christmas Eve?   Worse, are you, or is anyone you know, having to work on Christmas Day itself?  I hope not. But if you are, take heart in that you are not alone.  At least two other persons of significance have had to work on Christmas. The first is Ol’ Santa
himself.

Phillip Bump is a technology writer for The Atlantic who has written an article attempting to provide an answer, albeit tongue-in-cheek, to the all-important question pondered at some point by most every child:  how exactly it is that Santa Claus is supposedly able to do all he has to do in just one night.* Suffice it to say that Ol' St. Nick is quite busy on that one particular night!

Bump first used CIA estimates to calculate the number of Christian children there are in the world, as well as the geographic distribution of those children all around the globe. To this he added the variable factors of all the time zones, the distance between houses, and even how many average children live in each house.  He then shared his conclusions about Santa's annual Herculean task.

There are just over 526,000,000 Christian kids age 14 and under in the world who celebrate Christmas on December 25th.  This computes to Santa having to deliver presents to approximately 22 million kids an hour, every single hour of the night before Christmas. In case you are wondering, that is a delivery to right at 365,000 kids a minute, or about 6,100 kids per second.

Bump concedes that there are a few qualifications: the date on which Christians celebrate Christmas varies from December 25th to January 6th; the data provided by the CIA is not always up-to-snuff; and, of course, not all Christians celebrate Christmas while some non-Christians do celebrate Christmas.

Nonetheless, pretty much any way you look at it, Ol’ Santa has a tremendous job to do!   Let’s face it: he has to serve hundreds and hundreds of millions of children in one single night as he pulls a huge sleigh with nothing more than nine reindeer.

He has to do this while avoiding tens of thousands of airborne object, as well as being detected and shot down by the missile defense shields of numerous countries around the world. And remember, one of his reindeer is rather conspicuous in that he has a "very shiny nose"!

And yet, in spite of this, he somehow manages to get the job done - year in and year out.  All I can say is, if I were him, I would go home and crawl in bed and then sleep for a whole week!

So, who is the second person who has had to work on Christmas?  You already know the answer.  I am talking about Jesus Himself.  In the Gospel of John (chapter 6: verses 28-40), after having fed more than 5000 people with just five small loaves of barley and two little fish, Jesus had the following discussion with His followers.

28Then they asked him, "What must we do to do the works God requires?"  29Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." 30So they asked him, "What sign then will you give that we may see it and believe you? What will you do?  31Our ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written: 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'"

32Jesus said to them, "Very truly I tell you, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. 33For the bread of God is the bread that comes down from heaven and gives life to the world."  34"Sir," they said, "always give us this bread."

35Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life.  Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. 36But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe.  37All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.

38For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. 39And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. 40For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day."

Notice verse 38. Here, Jesus tells us that He came down from Heaven to do the will of the Father.  In other words, He “clocked in” as it were, on that first Christmas morning. And He worked non-stop for the next thirty three plus years, not “clocking out” once until His job was done on an old rugged cross!

Surely, bearing the sins of every one of the estimated 12-13 billion human beings who have ever existed is far more difficult than simply delivering a few hundred million presents! Yet, not one time until then did He ever slack off. He kept going until he could finally and faithfully say (John 19:30): “It is finished!” Thus do theologians speak of the "finished work of Jesus Christ".

In times past, as a child, I was quite pleased that Ol’ Santa worked every Christmas. Nowadays, as a Pastor, I am not all that happy about my Deacon friend having to work later than normal this Christmas Eve.

But I will tell you that I am quite ecstatic that Jesus Christ went to work on that very first Christmas.  And that He worked faithfully for thirty two more Christmases, never tiring and never quitting until He had, once and for all, completed the work given to Him by the Father!

*SOURCE: http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2011
/12/santas-christmas-eve-workload-calculated/249844/.

THE BEST PLACE TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

12/19/2013

Each year, around the first of November (All Saints Day), our church family takes time to remember those within our midst who have passed on during the previous year. For whatever reasons, we had a larger than normal number of deaths this past year.

Add to that the fact that I have now been pastoring this same church family for almost thirteen years, and have therefore had time to grow close to a great many people. Perhaps all of this helps to explain why I have had so many of these dear precious saints and their families on my mind during these last few days.

In light of this, I wanted to share a poem on my blog today - one that I first encountered a couple of years ago. It has been circulating in various forms on the internet for quite some time now. I did my best to track down the original version, which I have posted below.

First, some background. It was first written (apparently late in 1997 or early in 1998) by Ms. Wanda Bencke, and is about her thirteen year old handicapped daughter: Lysandra Kay Bencke.   On Christmas Day, 1997, we are told, after suffering for years with Cerebral Palsy, little Lysandra had a seizure which lasted for three hours. She then slipped into a coma. Five days later, she died.

It was during those five days that her mother, Wanda, appears to have written a very beautiful poem from the perspective of her daughter, who was soon to be experiencing Christmas from a whole new perspective: that of Heaven. I hope it speaks to you as much as it did me.  More importantly, I hope it speaks to all who have lost loved ones and are facing Christmas without them this year - some for the very first time, and others yet again.

"Christmas in Heaven"

I see the countless Christmas trees, around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear;
For I am spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs, that people hold so dear;
But the sounds of music can't compare, with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, of the joy their voices bring;
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart;
For I am spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor, or the peace here in this place;
Can you just imagine Christmas, with our Savior face to face?

I'll ask Him to lift your spirit, as I tell Him of your love;
So, then pray for one another, as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful, and let your spirit sing;
For I am spending Christmas in heaven and I'm walking with the King.*

*SOURCES: http://rileyhitt.com/christmasinheaven/.   See also: http://www.c
omfort-for-bereavement.com/Christmas.html; as well as http://christmas.lov
etoknow.com/Christmas_in_Heaven.

NOTE: Down through the years, both the poem and the story behind it have been changed, going through multiple iterations on the internet. It is sometimes referred to as “My First Christmas in Heaven”.   Most often, it is presented relative to a boy named Ben who was supposed to have written the story before he died and then left it for his mother to find on Christmas Day.

In reality, Ms. Bencke first appears to have presented the poem anonymously to her family in Christmas cards after the death of her daughter.  Later on, she felt led (and rightfully so) to speak up and claim authorship while disavowing all of the folklore which had come to be attached to her original work.

I searched for Ms. Bencke’s website, but was unsuccessful, as it appears to have now been discontinued. Moreover, it seems that she herself has passed on as well. If so, then I am happy to know that she and her daughter have at last been reunited, and that they will dwell together forever in a place where neither sickness nor sorrow will ever abide.

Ms. Bencke's memorial can be found at:   http://www.legacy.com
/obterituaries/leaderpost/obituary.aspx?pid=155162687.   Little Lysandra’s memorial information is available here: http://www.fi
ndagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=32157825.

THE PERFECT COMBINATION

12/16/2013

Every so often, something wonderful happens, in that two of my favorite things come together. Like for, instance, once when I came around the corner with a jar of peanut butter and my then future wife came around the same corner from the opposite direction with a chocolate bar... Just kidding! (You younger folks may very well not remember the commercial anyway.) All jokes aside, however, sometimes, two great things really do come together seemingly out of nowhere.

When I was in the tenth grade, I enjoyed going to church and especially Sunday School. (In those days, that was pretty much the extent of my social life.) One Sunday, I walked in, expecting to see all my regular friends; and, lo and behold, there in the midst of them sat this new girl - who one day really would become my beautiful wife! I thank God that two of the personages I love most, my bride (Vickie) and His bride (the Church), came together at that one time and place. I like to think of that as double blessing!

Well, those who know me well know that I love Christmas.  It is one of my favorite times of the year.  As a child, obviously, I loved it for selfish reasons.  I still love Christmas now; only for different, and hopefully better and more mature reasons than I once did.

And those who know me well also know that I love The Andy Griffith Show. (I have blogged several times about this before.) In fact, I have often summed up my life with this observation: “I like to think of myself as Sheriff Taylor; but in reality, I know in my heart that I am only Deputy Fife!” But, while I do have my share of shortcomings, as displayed in Barney, I do at least strive for the ideal, as displayed in Andy. Pray for me that I might have more Andy type days than I do Barney type days.

But I digress. A couple of years ago, the man known as the mayor of Music Row, singer-songwriter Charlie Monk, wrote and released a song titled “Andy and Opie Christmas”.  In doing so, he managed to create the perfect combination:  Christmas and Mayberry!

I have been unable to find the lyrics online; but the press release (along with a link to the YouTube video) is here:  http://www.mu
sicrow.com/2011/12/country-christmas-with-the-skaggs-joeyror
y-little-big-town-charlie-monk/. Or you can go directly to the YouTube itself site at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNr-luG1zNQ.  Take a moment or two to watch it.  I think you will be glad you did.  Who knows, you might even decide it qualifies as a double blessing!

By the way, for those of you who do not know already, there really is an official “Andy Griffith Show Rerun Watchers Club”. Its web page address is:  http://www.imayberry.com/.   While there, you can find information about "The Christmas Story" (the only episode of The Andy Griffith Show devoted entirely to Christmas) at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Christmas_Story_(The_Andy
_Griffith_Show).

Sadly, one cannot go back and walk the original streets of “Mayberry” today, as the Desilu back lot itself was demolished and turned into a development in the late 1970’s.  But, for an extra blessing, get lost in the closest thing there is to the "real" place at: http://www.retroweb.com/40acres_tour.html.

JOY TO THE MALL!

12/12/2013

My last two posts have been rather humorous parodies of Christmas songs. Based on the feedback, I must have struck a responsive chord! Which raises a question: why do parodies go over so well? The simple answer is that parodies work because they employ satire.

According to Webster’s, satire is “a way of using humor to show that someone or something is foolish, weak, bad, etc…” Thus, in the case of my two previous posts, a couple of our modern obsessions (fast food menus and all things politically correct, respectively) were made the objects of ridicule.

Citing The Encyclopedia Britannica, Wikipedia offers a more detailed definition of satire:

Satire is a genre of literature, and sometimes graphic and performing arts, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, corporations, and society itself, into improvement.

Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon and as a tool to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in society. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satire)

The concept of satire was first introduced by the ancient Greek playwright, Aristophanes. Shortly thereafter, it was perfected by two Roman writers: Horace and Juvenal. Horace practiced a milder form of satire while Juvenal employed a much more severe, often caustic form. Writers, teachers, and speakers have effectively employed satire in its varying degrees ever since.

Jesus, Himself, as a master teacher, employed satire. He used it sparingly, but He did use it - most often in His biting criticisms of the religious establishment of His day. A classic example is found in Matthew 23:23-27:

23“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. 24You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.

25“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. 26Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.

27“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. 28In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

The first time around, He was fairly mild, employing wit and relatively gentle humor in referencing the irony of straining out a gnat while managing to swallow a camel in the process. The second and third times, however, in order to drive home his contempt for the Pharisees, He grew increasingly sardonic.

To this day, the ability to do these things well is part of what sets really good communicators apart. For my own part, I am a little better at recognizing quality satire than I am at producing it. So, whenever I come across a good piece, I will readily make use of it.

Thus, I thought I would post another short piece of satire for my blog today.  Like the past two, this one is about Christmas.  It was written by Chris Dolson and first published in Christianity Today Magazine back in 1988. It is an American parody of Luke chapter 2. But it is not ridiculing the Biblical story.  Not at all! Rather, it is a biting commentary on our greedy and materialistic culture – on who and what we as Americans have become in our unbridled pursuit and zealous worship of the false god known as mammon. It is titled…

JOY TO THE MALL!

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from the U.S. Treasury, that all of America should go shopping. And this decree was first made when leading economic indicators dipped to their lowest point. And all went out to shop, each to his own mall.

And a Christian also went up from his suburban home to the city with its many malls because he wanted to prove he was from the household of prosperity. And with him was his wife, who was great with economic worry. And so it was, that, while they were there, they found many expensive presents, pudgy-faced dolls, trucks that turn into robots, and a various assortment of video games.

And the woman wrote checks for those they could afford and put the rest on many different kinds of plastic cards; she wrapped the presents in a bright paper and laid them in the garage; for there was no room for them in her closet.

And there were in the same county, children keeping watch over their stockings by night. And, lo, Santa Claus came upon them; and they were sore afraid (expecting to see the special effects they had seeing the movies).

And Santa said to them, "Fear not; for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people who can afford this holiday. For unto you will be given this day, in your suburban home, great feasts of turkey, dressing, and cake - and many presents. And this shall be a sign unto you: you shall find the presents, wrapped in bright paper, lying beneath an artificial Christmas tree adorned with tinsel, colored balls, and lights."

And suddenly there was with Santa Claus a multitude of relatives and friends, praising one another and saying, "Glory to you for getting me this gift; it’s just what I wanted."

And it came to pass, as the friends and relatives were gone away into their own homes, the parents said to one another, "I sure am glad that’s over.  What a mess. I’m too tired to clean it up now. Let’s go to bed and pick it up tomorrow." And when they had said this, they remembered the statement that had been told to them by the storekeepers: "Christmas comes only once a year."

And they that heard it wondered at those things that were sold to them by the storekeepers. But the children treasured all those things in their hearts, hoarding their toys from each other.

And the parents, after a drink, went to bed, glorifying and praising each other for all the bargains they have found in the stores.*

All I will add is this: "Ain’t it the truth?!"

*SOURCE: http://kathybutryn.net/Girl's%20Gathering%20Place/
Christmas%202009/JOY%20TO%20THE%20MALL.pdf.

HAVE YOURSELF A VERY PC CHRISTMAS

12/8/2013

In my last post, I shared a parody of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” called “the Twelve Days of Fast Food”. I thought today that I would share one other such parody that I came across recently.   This particular one is titled “The Politically Correct Christmas”.

(PLEASE NOTE:  The following piece is being presented merely for entertainment purposes. Any resultant conviction and/or reconsideration of personal perspective being evoked are/is unintentional and purely coincidental. It is understood that you are reading further at your own risk.)

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be
asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE female persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

NOTE: After members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and single Partridge have all been reintroduced to their respective native habitats. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised accordingly.

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,

and...

ONE Spotted Owl Activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (Unless otherwise prohibited by law.)*

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with the suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.*

Need I say more?!

*SOURCE:  http://www.ahajokes.com/christmas_jokes.html.

THE BATTLE OF THE BUDGE

12/5/2013

Like many of you, perhaps, I am in somewhat of a predicament. Here we are, barely a week beyond Thanksgiving with three weeks still to go before Christmas, and I am now in a fix. Let’s just say I have already surpassed my total caloric intake allotment for the entire five week period by the middle of week two. I know this is so because my clothes (and especially my belts) do not lie!

I guess I could argue that it is not my fault. After all, the food just keeps coming and coming – wave after wave. I thought I was doing my best to resist; but I do not know how much longer I can hold out! It appears that the battle may be getting away from me.  So, pray for me, as I will you, that together we can survive this terrible onslaught on our waistlines.  May we all have the will power to resist; and may we come out on the other side still standing.

To give a little encouragement in the struggle, I thought I would post the following little ditty. I hope it helps us both as we sing it, especially in the heat of battle.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF FAST FOOD

On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine Polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine Polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine Polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine Polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese*

Seriously, enjoy the season. Food is a part of it; and besides,  we can all exercise come January!  But also be mindful, as I am trying to do, that we really are blessed beyond compare. It is arguable that a fair portion of the world could subsist off of what we throw out each day. And this is probably multiplied during the holiday season.

In light of this, maybe the fact that Thanksgiving comes before Christmas is a good thing. Maybe we should all first be appreciative for what we have before we begin to focus on what all else we want and then head full force into consumption mode.

After all, most of us are fairly well fed, well dressed, and generally well off. By comparison, as I read the Bible, I am reminded that the Disciples had no security, Mary and Joseph had no room, and Jesus Himself had no pillow on which to lay His head.  I am also mindful that, even today, there are many others who are still lacking.

If the holidays (and especially Christmas) are about anything, then surely they are about doing for others. God did for us. And He expects us to for others in turn. So, enjoy the bounty He provides. But make certain that you find ways to share it with others along the way.  In short, consume away - be it food, fun, presents, attention, or whatever. Just be sure you produce something as you do.

For, surely, what we give, rather than what we get, is the true measure of our Christlikeness. It has to be; for Christmas itself is proof positive that Jesus meant it when He said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” Perhaps these words of the Apostle Paul in his New Testament letter to the Philippian Christians (2:1-11) say it best:

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to His own advantage; rather, He made Himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place and gave Him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Amen!

*SOURCE: http://www.ahajokes.com/sea05.html.

I HAVE A QUESTION

12/1/2013

For those of you who have had a full and exhausting Thanksgiving weekend, I thought I would give you a little laugh to help wind it all down. Prolific blogger Therese J. Borchard shares the following story.

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else I could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I’d hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

I was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what that turkey did?!”*

Now, with a belly full of leftovers and smile on your face, go get yourself a good night’s sleep.  You will need it, because, tomorrow, we all head back into the rat race of life. And remember, as we draw ever closer to the next big holiday, Christmas, you will likely encounter many people who act just like that old parrot.

And while it may be tempting to give them the big freeze, or even to yell at them, or even worse, to seize and to shake them, remember this one thing: the mere fact that they behave the way they do may very well be a clear indication that they do not know Who Jesus was or what He did.

Chances are, if you can answer that question for them, then you will most likely see a considerable change in their demeanor as well. And that will bring much more than a mere smile to your face.  It will bring joy to your heart!

*SOURCE:  http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/11/th
e-parrot-and-the-turkey.html