The classic slapstick comedy trio known as “The Three Stooges” made a total of 190 short films for Columbia Pictures between 1934 and 1959. My children grew up watching old VHS tapes of them, and know most of the episodes by heart. “Disorder in the Court” was the title given to one of these short films. Needless to say, in this memorable episode, the Stooges have themselves an unforgettable day in the halls of justice.
Years later, Charles M. Sevilla, a lawyer in private practice in San Diego, amassed a collection of actual humor from America’s courtrooms and compiled it all into a book with the same title: Disorder in the Court. Later on, he followed this up with a second collection titled Disorderly Conduct.
Among other places, his two works are available at Amazon, the online book retailer, which describes them together as “misstatements from the courtroom - legalese marred by malapropisms, slips of the tongue, eccentric interpretations”, etc… all “gleefully quoted” in his two compilations.
Readers are encouraged to “Sit back and enjoy a collection of verbatim exchanges from the halls of justice, where defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, collide to produce memorably insane comedy.”
I found an excerpt from his material posted online at http://mistupid.com/people/page064.htm, and thought I would post a few of them here today for your enjoyment. Remember, these things were actually stated and recorded by court reporters.
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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy."
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
Q: None.
A: Were there any girls?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
About all I can say, at this point, is "OBJECTION!" On what grounds? That this material is obviously "Incompetent, Irrelevant, and Immaterial"! Forgive us, Perry Mason!
Years later, Charles M. Sevilla, a lawyer in private practice in San Diego, amassed a collection of actual humor from America’s courtrooms and compiled it all into a book with the same title: Disorder in the Court. Later on, he followed this up with a second collection titled Disorderly Conduct.
Among other places, his two works are available at Amazon, the online book retailer, which describes them together as “misstatements from the courtroom - legalese marred by malapropisms, slips of the tongue, eccentric interpretations”, etc… all “gleefully quoted” in his two compilations.
Readers are encouraged to “Sit back and enjoy a collection of verbatim exchanges from the halls of justice, where defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, collide to produce memorably insane comedy.”
I found an excerpt from his material posted online at http://mistupid.com/people/page064.htm, and thought I would post a few of them here today for your enjoyment. Remember, these things were actually stated and recorded by court reporters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy."
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
Q: None.
A: Were there any girls?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
About all I can say, at this point, is "OBJECTION!" On what grounds? That this material is obviously "Incompetent, Irrelevant, and Immaterial"! Forgive us, Perry Mason!