Such is the purpose of today’s post; for I myself have had a full week and felt the need, as it draws to a conclusion tonight, for a little lighthearted humor.
As I have alluded to elsewhere on my webpage, Paul Powell is one of my favorite authors. He has compiled several books of humorous stories; and from time to time I peruse them just to laugh a little.
In one such book, he has gathered the following list of things that will help you to know whether or not you might qualify as a redneck. I offer them here for your merriment.
“You Know You Are A Redneck If . . .”
- You have at least one old refrigerator on your front porch.
- You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
- You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
- You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
- Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
- You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
- There is a stuffed opossum mounted in your home.
- You consider a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
- Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
- Your family tree does not fork.
- Your wife’s hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan at least once.
- Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school game.
- You’ve ever bar-be-cued Spam on the grill.
- You’ve ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
- You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
- Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening at the lube rack.
- You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
- You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
Now, admit it. You feel better already, don’t you?!
But if not, just to punctuate Powell’s list, let me add one more for good measure.
The attached photo is of an authentic redneck houseboat that I took with my very own smartphone camera while on vacation in Alabama last year! Honestly, you cannot make this stuff up!