Late last Friday afternoon, I was diagnosed by my doctor with something called “walking pneumonia”. Needless to say, that concerned me more than just a little. So, after heading to the drugstore, I went home and read up on my condition on the internet. I soon discovered that walking pneumonia is also known as "Primary Atypical Pneumonia": "Atypical Pneumonia" is atypical in that it is caused by atypical organisms (other than Streptococcus pneumonia, Haemophilus influenzae, and Moraxella catarrhalis).
“That’s good,” I thought, “as I certainly wouldn’t want to know any of that stuff was inside me!” Then I read the next sentence. These atypical organisms include special bacteria, viruses, fungi, and protozoa. Apparently, though, some of this stuff was inside of me! Aghh!! Gross!!! Now greatly alarmed, I continued reading…
Confused? So was I! In fact, after a lengthy spiel, the only thing I did understand was the last couple of sentences: Despite general symptoms and problems with the upper respiratory tract (such as high fever, headache, a dry irritating cough followed later by a productive cough with radiographs showing consolidation), there are in general few physical signs. The patient looks better than the symptoms suggest.* (Emphasis mine.) Trust me; I can concur with this last assertion!
Well, suffice it to say that I managed to get through Sunday morning’s message; but then I went straight home and crawled in bed, where I stayed for the next few days. Fortunately, I’m feeling much better now. I guess everyone is destined to get sick every now and then. For me, that usually only happens once or twice a year. Hopefully, therefore, I have now gotten my annual bout with sickness out of the way for the winter.
When I finally got back to the office, however, I discovered to my chagrin that some new policies had been put in place. (Not really, but I thought I would post this humorous little piece today in light of the fact that, after coughing my head off for a week, it is just plain good to be able to laugh without triggering another coughng spell.) Enjoy…
NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a Doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the Doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon or evening. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''A'' will go from 8:00am to 8:10am, employees whose names begin with ''B'' will go from 8:10am to 8:20am and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees, may swap their time with a coworker. However, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amounts: Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumb tacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 = Your Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, all comments, all concerns, all complaints, all frustrations, all irritations, all aggravations, all insinuations, all allegations, all accusations, all contemplations, all consternations, and/or all input should be directed elsewhere.
Thank you. Have a nice week.
The Management**
*SOURCE: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atypical_pneumonia
**SOURCE: http://www.citehr.com/740-new-rules-employment-joke.html
“That’s good,” I thought, “as I certainly wouldn’t want to know any of that stuff was inside me!” Then I read the next sentence. These atypical organisms include special bacteria, viruses, fungi, and protozoa. Apparently, though, some of this stuff was inside of me! Aghh!! Gross!!! Now greatly alarmed, I continued reading…
- No responding on common antibiotics as sulfonamide and beta-lactams like penicillin.
- No signs and symptoms of lobar consolidation, meaning that the infection is restricted to small areas, rather than involving a whole lobe. As the disease progresses, however, the look can tend to lobar pneumonia.
- Absence of leukocytosis.
- Extrapulmonary symptoms, related to the causing organism.
- Moderate amount of sputum, or no sputum at all (i.e. non-productive).
- Lack of alveolar exudate.
Confused? So was I! In fact, after a lengthy spiel, the only thing I did understand was the last couple of sentences: Despite general symptoms and problems with the upper respiratory tract (such as high fever, headache, a dry irritating cough followed later by a productive cough with radiographs showing consolidation), there are in general few physical signs. The patient looks better than the symptoms suggest.* (Emphasis mine.) Trust me; I can concur with this last assertion!
Well, suffice it to say that I managed to get through Sunday morning’s message; but then I went straight home and crawled in bed, where I stayed for the next few days. Fortunately, I’m feeling much better now. I guess everyone is destined to get sick every now and then. For me, that usually only happens once or twice a year. Hopefully, therefore, I have now gotten my annual bout with sickness out of the way for the winter.
When I finally got back to the office, however, I discovered to my chagrin that some new policies had been put in place. (Not really, but I thought I would post this humorous little piece today in light of the fact that, after coughing my head off for a week, it is just plain good to be able to laugh without triggering another coughng spell.) Enjoy…
NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a Doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the Doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon or evening. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''A'' will go from 8:00am to 8:10am, employees whose names begin with ''B'' will go from 8:10am to 8:20am and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees, may swap their time with a coworker. However, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amounts: Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumb tacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 = Your Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, all comments, all concerns, all complaints, all frustrations, all irritations, all aggravations, all insinuations, all allegations, all accusations, all contemplations, all consternations, and/or all input should be directed elsewhere.
Thank you. Have a nice week.
The Management**
*SOURCE: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atypical_pneumonia
**SOURCE: http://www.citehr.com/740-new-rules-employment-joke.html