(No offense to Christians of any of these particular denominational or theological persuasions, excepting, of course, television evangelists.)
HOW MANY CHURCH FOLK DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?!?
Presbyterians: The Session will determine the exact number, and through the Reformed sacrament of light bulb changing, God will seal us in our light bulb changing service, renew our identity as the light bulb people of God, and will mark us for further light bulb changing service that will manifest the grace of God to the world.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Evangelical Frees: It all depends. We believe in liberty with responsibility and accountability, therefore changing the light bulb must be accomplished as one sees fit in the Lord, but this freedom always has its limitations and should not be abused such as changing the entire building’s light bulbs at one sitting.
Willow-Creeks: Varied. We do not wish to make you uncomfortable by presenting dogmatic and highly charged assertions about proper light bulb changing methods that may have turned you off in your past light bulb changing experiences. Please come and join us for a relaxed, informal, friendly atmosphere in hopes of turning you on to becoming a purpose-driven light bulb changer.
Roman Catholics: None. Vatican II dictated candles only.
Liberals: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
Legalists: 100. One to change the light bulb and 99 to monitor that the person changing the light bulb is a man who has not sold out to the flesh, that his hair is short and neatly trimmed, that he wears a white shirt with a coat and tie to church, does not watch TV, go to movies, dance, smoke, chew, or imbibe, does not listen to pop/rock/country/jazz music, and is not dating a worldly woman.
Charismatics: Only one, as his hands would already be up in the air. However, it is not necessary to replace a burned out bulb. Rather, burned out bulbs are healed through the five-fold ministry of light bulb regeneration! “Can I get a witness?”
Four-Squares: Four, of course. One to speak in a light-bulb changing language, one to interpret to English, one to discern whether these were the correct instructions, and one to change the bulb.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Calvary Chapels: As many as the Spirit may lead. We always seek a sound, balanced approach regarding the issue of changing light bulbs. We do not want to veer into the excesses of other groups’ light bulb changing experiences, but we also don’t want to deny the existence of miraculous light bulb changing methods. Not being a denomination, any Calvary Chapel may change light bulbs as long as it is not in direct conflict with the Word or Calvary Chapel’s distinctives.
Post-Moderns/Emergents: It’s up to you to figure it out. The old ways of changing light bulbs no longer apply. The society you now live in is not ‘your grandfather’s light bulb’, so adapt and find the best way to be relevant to today’s Gen-X and Gen-Y light bulb changers or find yourself the one being replaced.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need to change the light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulb changing works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb changing experience for next Sunday’s service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Word of Faiths: We all can. After being slain in the Spirit at a Holy Ghost revival meeting, God hears our faith-filled words spoken to the light bulb. God must obey the force of faith and light the bulb up again. Just keep repeating “I am a little light-bulb changer, I am a little light-bulb changer.”
Television Evangelists: One. But, for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Nazarenes: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: One. And we want it known we are “protesting” the use of candles by the Catholics.
Independent Baptists: None. We haven’t changed since the 1950’s, let alone a light bulb. Besides, gathering any large group together, even for the purpose of light bulb changing, might be deemed ecumenical!
Southern Baptists: At least 16. One to change the light bulb, and three committees of five each to review the bulb change before recommending for or against its endorsement by the Deacons on the way to a special called church conference to discuss the matter.
Amish: What's a light bulb?