(PLEASE NOTE: The following piece is being presented merely for entertainment purposes. Any resultant conviction and/or reconsideration of personal perspective being evoked are/is unintentional and purely coincidental. It is understood that you are reading further at your own risk.)
THE POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be
asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE female persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
NOTE: After members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and single Partridge have all been reintroduced to their respective native habitats. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised accordingly.
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,
ONE Spotted Owl Activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (Unless otherwise prohibited by law.)*
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with the suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.*
Need I say more?!